I have to sit here and pretend I’m happy for you. I don’t know how to not love you. I wish I could be what I pretended to be. Single and proud. I don’t need a man. All I need is my daughter. But I can’t help loving you. And I can’t admit it to anyone. It scares me to admit it even to myself. But I’m not allowed to love you. Someone like me isn’t allowed to love someone like you. Someone like me can’t let go of someone like you. I want you. Apparently I don’t need you though. I wish I could let you go and never talk to you again. I tell myself this won’t last forever, I’ll find someone new. I can’t wait for the fall when I leave the state. I can’t wait to put miles and months between us.
The worst part is that you love me too.
Love isn’t there to make us happy. It’s there to test us; to see just how much pain we’re capable of taking.
I find faults in everyone. I hold my own virtues as standards of living for everyone else. When I love a person, their faults hurt me. I can’t grasp why they can’t just be better. Why do they have to be sad? Their sadness hurts me. Why do they limit themselves? Their cage constrains me. Why are they so okay? Their peace makes me want to shout. Why are they so promiscuous? He needs to love me more than the rest.
I smell like him. I don’t know how, he doesn’t spend enough time in my company to have his scent linger. I want him around more. I want him to lie down next to me and profess his love to me. I want him to hold my child and smile. I love his promiscuity. I love that he breaks hearts. I love broken hearts, I love polygamy.
I am a hypocrite.
I want him to bind himself to me. I want him love me solely.
That is his fault. He doesn’t love me enough.
I love too much. That is my fault.
I’m stronger than I seem, but more vulnerable than you’d believe.
I see your eyes, and I fall
You rise and I fall
Your eyes are on the fall
All the youth,
All the youth are alive.
Getting you to open up to me is like conning a vampire
To come out into the sun.
Inhale
You’re so beautiful
Exhale
Regret
Inhale
I was the teacher’s faithful dog
While I strove to battle hatred’s fog.
I became a heart and word eater
And Peter Pan dubbed me as a professional time cheater
I made and lost friends
And earned memories that I’ll secure ‘til the end.
I can’t tell you how much my educators did for me.
I only hope I can live up to the heights they expect of me.
I hope other kids find the same bliss;
I’ll remember all you giants like my first kiss.
Always there for me,
because you showed me the star i could be.
Thank you for helping me grow.
I love you all truly and infinitely, i hope you know.
This poem is dedicated to the all the staff members who pour their sweat and blood into bettering the students’ lives. You were the most important part of my high school year because you helped set me free. You taught me a lot about humanity and the patterns of the world. The classes were never just words read out of a book, it was the gift of knowledge, gently entrusted to those willing to accept it. You taught me to approach the world with as much caution as curiosity. Thank you.
- 12:30 a.m. - My lover meets me at work, drunk, to walk me home
- He tells me to “wait right here” then runs across the street and out of site in order to pick roses on someone’s property
- We reach the park, and he eventually tells me “let’s take off our clothes”
- … you know where that goes
- We stop at Circle K so i can pee; it’s not open for another fifteen min.
- He steps onto the patio of a bar playing music
- It’s closed but three employees let me use the bathroom
- Then give me a total of 2 Jameson mix drinks, and a shot of Jack
- Jessica is a vegetarian who doesn’t look like she’s wearing a bra and plans on traveling to Europe this year, just like me
- Jason, the owner, looks like Ben Horner w/ shoulder length hair & facial hair
- The other boy, who’s name i can’t remember, was thirty and hit on my lover
- We laid down on a hill and reenacted our experience at the park as cars passed somewhat in view
- We reach his apartment complex after much, much, much walking
- He tells me to wait as he gets the key to the pool
- Tired and cold, i jump the gate, take off my clothes and sit in the jacuzzi
- It’s cold
- My phone is still on me, now ruined
- When he eventually gets in I wrap my legs around his waist in the water and keep him from drowning as he sleeps
- We eventually get out around 5:30 a.m. and wait for his mom to go to work
- We’re freezing and tired; he gets tired of waiting
- Going in was a bad idea
- His mom finds me in his bed and says a lot about how I’m not supposed to be there, Vince is still a married man, she’s old school, blah blah blah
- I’m still drunk and tired and I don’t want her to hit me
- So i leave and take the bus home
So i have a broken phone, a foggy memory, a bouquet of roses, and I haven’t the slightest idea what the future holds. Over and out.
